Satire in Real Life

In many ways, humorists are similar to–and yet the opposite of– rubbernecking journalists. They also point out freak accidents, murders, thefts, and just ordinary politicos caught with their pants down in public. Comics don’t take it so seriously, though. These things happen, they say, so don’t worry about it. For God’s sake, just go outside and breath some fresh air once in a while.

It was poet Dylan Thomas who once advised people to rage against the dying of the light, with Sylvia Plath as cue-card holder.  But if he’d been a humorist, Thomas would have told people to wave a candle at the line of approaching super-storms between swigs of Coke Zero. No one rages anymore, except guys with AK 47s and three sheets to the wind. We’ve all decided that nothing will ever change, least of all our own addictions. My question? With Thomas gone, aren’t all the hack TV journalists out there (who focus on Hollywood award nominees and those walking jewelry stores known as rap stars and divas) REALLY saying that the life of the average Joe or Mary “Toe-Tag” Smith is pathetic and miserable by comparison, as well as meaningless and random? People sure seem to be getting the message by the way they drive in traffic.

And what about all the Chinese watching American TV in Beijing by satellite?  What do they take away from it?  According to Jared Diamond, they want what they see:  our SUVs, camera cell phones, plasma TVs, Harleys, 20 oz. steaks and supersized steak-cut fries.  Plus they want our central air and hot tubs, too, and our marble kitchens, and maybe a big hearth with a big roaring fire.  Thing is, though, if they get what they want the world will become unlivable. Our solution?  Combine rubbernecking news with Hollywood news, and broadcast it to Beijing, and quick.  Because it’s already too late for us.

SATIRE–  A tongue-in-cheek mockery, usually in literary format, and particularly with the rich or powerful as target.  Examples:

“Yacht Race Massacres Fifty”

Fifty spectators to the Pre-Oscar Celebrity Yacht Race in Long Beach were accidentally killed last night when a Celebrity Cruise Line ship piloted by Tom Cruise grazed a Carnival Cruise Line ship piloted by Ted Cruz, and veered into the stands.  “The two ships were supposed to pass in the night, but kissed off each other,” harbormaster Eric Ericson reported to the Long Beach Tattler after hours phone desk.  “Please tell folks, if you must, that all the celebs involved in the incident are truly, truly safe, and that anybody who is anybody wishes to express their deepest condolences to those who are not.”

ARCHEOLOGY–  The science involving the excavation of old artifacts buried in the earth, and the interpretation thereof.  Not to be attempted at home.  Example:  Jimbo “Jonesy” Jones, Newark, NJ:

June 24)  While in search of fossils this afternoon in my back yard, have run across a jawbone similar to the one found by Dr. Alfred Zimmer in Ethiopia last summer, which HE claimed was 4 million years old. (Or 40 million–he wasn’t too sure about the decimal point).  What this may mean, I have no idea except that perhaps college textbooks need to be rewritten so students can’t resell their old ones next year.  Plan to take this jawbone home and reconstruct a skull from it, hopefully.  On the way back must remember to stop at the library and check out GRAY’S ANATOMY and an unabridged copy of 100 SCIENCE PROJECTS YOU CAN BUILD WITHOUT LEAVING THE KITCHEN.

   June 26)  Have encountered minor difficulties in my work with plaster molds and the posterior portion of the skull.  My enthusiasm remains high, however, for in my zeal to unravel the mystery I inadvertently (but nonetheless brilliantly) substituted Red Band Flour for Plaster of Paris.  Such accidents in the past, we are told, resulted in many inventions and breakthroughs in Science for such men as Edison, Goddard, and Herbert Bloom (who once constructed a Brontosaurus from one broken tooth, 900 bags of Quickrete, and–as accident would have it–19 bales of chicken wire.)

Any day now I expect success.