Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Umpire Has No Clothes by Walter Witty

Imagine for a moment not being a sports fanatic. Wait, this might be a real stretch, so instead imagine not being a Muslim in Iran. Okay, now imagine you are inundated with calls to prayer, not just a couple times a day, but constantly...sirens and wails reverberating around you. Announcements and sermons every time you turn on a radio or TV. Billboards with religious messages everywhere. Ads in your mail, in newspapers, in magazines. And everywhere you go, there are worshipers in proper ceremonial inside every bar you visit, offering up sacrifices of lamb, steer, and chicken seasoned with team-approved condiments (and holy spices...)
Welcome to America, circa now.

We talk about others living in the Dark Ages, so why do we act like it's Ancient Greece or Sparta? (Yes, there are over 50 teams in America called "The Spartans.") Nevermind the Olympics, if you don't get with the program, accepting all the NFL/NBA hype as gospel...well, you're an infidel. Aren't you. (Yes, it's okay to admit your addiction. It's a first step to recovery. Not just yours, but the country and the planet.) Begin by calling your obsession for what it is: not a mere addiction, (like for junk food, steroids, or cheerleaders), but an actual RELIGION. And a radical one, to boot. Stop blindly believing (due to decades of indoctrination) that the meaning of life is watching men propel various air-filled bladders toward nonsensical "goals." Just Do It with the help of a laughsphemous (albeit blasphemous) 2 1/2 hour comedy album (audiobook) titled THE UMPIRE HAS NO CLOTHES: Diary of a Sports Atheist. You will laugh. Or you may cry. But you will know that the medicine went down easier than if you'd been awakened by calls to prayer...and then lectured by the Supreme High Commissioner of Wiffleball. (Or Roger Goodell.) Proof that it's funny is that it is narrated by a producer from ESPN, Barry Abrams. And he's a true believer! At and iTunes now.  Also, not for laughs (unless you like gallows humor) is CYCLE OF LIES by Juliet Macur, about Lance Armstrong.

Whiskey Business, narrated by Barry Abrams

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